Today I went to the hospital to do my health form. Profound sadness. It was safe for me but for the doctors inexcusably not. When I was waiting to get my blood taken I wanted to cry, I'm not entirely sure why. So little value for them I think, for the doctors, for life. For the looming differences between lives here and the States, between valued spaces. hospitals.
I took my 3 rolls of film to be developed, in the hopes that it will stimulate me to take pictures.
I look at the photos of my family and I'm amazed, they look so healthy, all smiling and tan, the trees so green. It was mother's day.
When I return to the hospital I want to take pictures. I am so uncomfortable with [photographing] here, as though I am exposing them, their life, to all that I have seen in my mind.
I went out and had some drinks with the Japanese boy across the hall. We talked about kitsch. I am so desirous of a boy, of distraction. They are all attractive, but I am a woman and so I must wait. If I act, if I pursue they run away. It's the same as sixth grade. I'm supposed to cultivate my patience. Make them feel like men, strong around me. But its not possible. I haven't the patience to wait for a man strong enough for me. I think I have no choice. Maybe someone will come who is as desirous.
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