I awake all discontent. I read anais nin, for she is clear and focused in her diary and this is what I want. This kind of influence. I wake thinking of m, how much I've given myself to him. It's difficult to imagine being apart, but I can feel my soul expanding. It's as though I've been clutching at some iron bars and I have to tear my fingers away so that I can move outward, expand.
Today I went to the market, wrote some emails. d and j. wrote myself and j a pep talk, I was needing it and he usually does too. it made me feel better. I know I am happy here - no, that I belong here, that my life feels strong and right here. I will learn the language more and more, my world is expanding and europe will seem like a dream, the west, where things are easy. for the language and culture I will do much. I want to find out the good chinese music, the good movies, books. I need to understand more, memorize more words. its difficult to make myself work here, memorize. I expect it to sink in, more or less. some words stick. more need to.
Today Liu Laoshi came to teach me some things about pronunciation. It was good and I needed it, I've practiced a lot today. Soon I will go to Kane's, to eat dinner and talk. Get my bicycle and ride home. I have my new VCD player which is a relief, movies to watch. Chinese ones too.
I can hear girls screaming. I want a good international crowd. the best of different countries. I already sense within the Japanese crowd that I am simply an outsider, pushed away by culture. They are very friendly and polite, but I am not altogether certain about making close friends. ahhh nervousness. is this insecurity? just knowing that I seek deep friendships, the leaps that this can require.
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