Saturday August 12, 2000

More articulations of what and who I want to be, refining myself. I want to learn to listen to others. to be more patient. to be quicker.

Right now I think I feel impelled to expose myself to others, to have them know me. Its self-absorbed, insecure, so I want to let it fall away. At least for a while, for a trial.

I want to be able to shut off my analysis, my thinking while others are around, so I can better receive information, to better understand.

I hear feet shuffling by in the hallway outside. the american in me wishes they would pick their feet up. shuffle as passive aggression, lack of determination, slackness. my other cultural self (?) loves the slowness, the somnomalence, the rejection of rushing. but still i think the american wins out in my actions. sometimes.

In order to fully realize this goal of quieting myself I ought to do some neurolinguistics on myself, and also practice. Mom wrote to remind me to take a deep breath and center myself when entering a new situation. In this way I will notice the details more, be more prepared to receive information. all this is so like meditation.

Last night I watched a chinese film, "Beautiful Mother". I was struck first because to see China on film, to know that the movie was real life here, was startling. I had seen movies in the States of China, but now it is what I see everyday. And Gong Li is the beautiful mother, and exemplifies Chinese values. selflessness, dedication to your children, extraordinarily hard-working all the time, asking favors of others by giving favors first - then leaving it up to them to repay. Her son is deaf, he needs a new hearing aid because his broke and she can't afford a new one. She is eternally strong.

**

Just got back from the coffee shop, listening to Elliot Smith. riding my bicycle down the streets still continues to be the most relaxing interesting thing to do.

Tonite is Mah Jong, I am actually hoping that it doesn't happen so that I can go check out the parks. At night I think there are some kind of plays or something.

I bought a mop today, so that I don't have to face the ultimate dirt of my floor. And some bleach. I feel so much better. As I was walking home I felt so self-conscious. Already people look at me, and the idea of a white girl with a mop, oh its so silly and I of course overcame it. But as I was coming in I saw a girl from Korea and stopped to talk to her. She was quite rude, saying "You buy a lot of things." I felt criticized, though I'm not sure if its just cultural - cultural in that I buy a lot of things or cultural in speaking about such things and there's no chastisement meant. This is what I mean about dealing with insecurities. I mean, its not such a big deal, but it annoys me. I tried to think of what she's seen me buy, some toilet paper and such. and a mop! At least it only those things and not the VCD player, clothes and books. I am quite glad that my green bag holds so many things so that people don't blatantly see my consumption. but I consume just as much in the States. here its cheaper, but I've given myself a budget so we'll see how it works.

I've been getting pictures developed, it feels great. If I can buy some paper then I can print, as the photo man offered his studio to me. How wonderful of him!

J.O. wrote me today, how magnificent to hear from her. It's good to keep in touch with someone from semester-at-sea, and she's such a spectacular one, how I love her. A is still my shining star, I'm quite in love with her. Oh to see her in February, it will be joyous. Perhaps I will leave from Hong Kong, or maybe not. I think of a year here, its so short. As soon as my language gets better perhaps I can start on some research. But who to fund me? That's a bit difficult. If I teach english maybe I'll have time and money enough...

All this is opening up to me, I love the freedom and opportunity. I must not waste my time feeling bad for senseless, guilty reasons. I have no reason not to love life, feel full and stimulated. And this is what I love best, the stimulation, the provocation.

mmm peanut butter and mushy white bread. home. I think of my things all boxed up at home, CDs clothes books. They are comfort, security. Why does consumption, things, my beautiful objects, why do they satisfy me so? Because they are not people, not fickle, don't run away from me? Are they art objects, all ready-mades and when I pick them out I am creating? Such an easy answer. DuChamp wouldn't approve.