Saturday August 19, 2000

Today I woke up not knowing where I was. Very very interesting. Intense dreams of being home, at high school graduation and seeing J, holding her hand, her being distant and I loving her tremendously. Seeing lots of people and saying hello, D lying with her head on the ground. Happiness that I was leaving, graduating, though I still wanted J, she was so far away in her own life. Said she didn't dance anymore.

I woke looking out the hazy window hearing a basketball game and asking, "where am I again? Oh yeah, China" and went back to sleep.

**

Ute called from Kane's, on her way to Guilin. I immediately said I was leaving to meet her. Simply can't resist that kind of laughter, it's so good, healthy, she's the one who's made my stomach hurt from so much laughter. So she told me of her adventures, all the wonderful people she's met, the mountains she's climbed, the scenes. She's such a character, so loud, a roaring scream in China, how can it be?

I think of all the people who are ex-pats here, how interesting they are, their varied approaches. Patrick with his absorbtion of taoism, the east's version of punk. Ute with her full comprehension of China, the people and society and still being a westerner, laughing all the while at what they expect her to agree to, to believe and participate in, her wild revolts against quietism, harmony, and communal living. And what fun she is! I adore her, though her life is troubled - she kicks it all up again and again, what spirit!

And me, who am I to become in the face of China, how will I absorb offer reject rebel love be loved by China? we all do it in our own ways. I only want to be so much! Huge enough to feel all this. My soul is leaping here, stretching and becoming limber. and the exhilaration of feeling new sensations between all the old muscles of spirit, this is what I keep feeling overwhelmed with.

And the ups and downs, this morning and this evening, I wouldn't and couldn't change any of this, the wild pleasure and hedonism I feel here, all my senses engaged, touched, turned on and I feel electric and only want to find new ways to feel more. To pacify myself so that all currents are open, all my channels transferring the waves, my body is shook.

The vast understanding that none of this could happen at home, that I must have years ahead of me, to do more and more, to live at the end of the silk road, study. I want to stay away from home after this year, but not in Xian, no I must go west, more and more.