Tuesday August 22, 2000 part 2

I made a drawing of mountains - lines and colors. As I made it I realized I am drawing my life line. I can put myself at whatever point I feel. There is an immense chasm at the focal point, it is my heartbreak obviously. And my break with my past as well. As I put the bright yellow on the flat beginning I thought - this is my childhood - and it became a halo around the horizon line. After the chasm - the future - there are multiple overlapping mountain silouettes. The different paths of my future.

This is how art works - pointing out through an uncontrolled subconscious symbolism that reveals itslef as you make decisions about color, line, placement. Certain subjects are more salient to various people at various points - hold a richer fuller orchestra of meaning - layers can be built and this is where magnificence can be articulated.

I hung two photos of buddhas from Luo Yang over the light switches - light and enlightenment. Humor feels really good.

Nearly everything hung in this room is landscape, landscapes of fabric, photographs, drawings. I know that I have felt deeply betrayed by people. I have left with great force, great urge, to tug away from the past, move forward. I can understand that my life will always be made of the same building blocks, that my rooms will always look alike because I chose the same aesthetics. But each time it's a little different, forgetting some things and adding new ones. Still, this red wash of material has always been with me.

Tomorrow I have a job interview and dinner with a company. something about english. 1000 yuan a month. It's a great salary for here - shit for the states, way below shit. about $2 an hour. I have to see what the hourly requirements are. Still, it's good, a job will be very nice, and good work experience. Won't have to feel so guilty about shopping. Whenever I meet other students here - Korean or Japanese - we end up talking about consumerism. I mean we talk about the lack of things to buy. or what we want to buy. its disgusting but boy is it reality. I really experience these desires.